syrulian 2009-06-14 00:07:45

HOW CAN YOU SLAP

blakedatch 2009-06-14 01:59:23

To begin, I prefer this story a bit more than your other one, if that helps any. This story felt more complete, since I thought your other story would have been better if you were given a larger word limit to describe your idea. Despite some awkward wording, I also thought this one was better written.

Concerning just this piece, I enjoyed it over many other pieces so far in this contest, but I still have a few criticisms. One is that I noticed quite a few sentences with some awkward wording, but from reading your other work, I'm pretty sure that's just because this one is still freshly written.

Another problem I had was some things felt overly described while others weren't at all. For instance, the corridor to Ys (I don't know if that is another reference to a game, but I enjoyed the game anyway) and Jones' "escape door" weren't very clear in my head as I was reading, whereas the zombies' description seemed to drag out.

My last few criticisms deal with your ending. For one, Jones' voice doesn't mirror the transformation he takes. He's mutated and brainwashed, but his diction is still clear. I know this might be hard to change, and the problem really doesn't detract from your story, but perhaps a difference in his voice could help. The other criticism is your ending makes the story feel too much like a first chapter or a video game introduction. This could be my bias since I have played Eternal Darkness (another good game), but still, I think you could perhaps make the ending feel a little less open-ended.

As with everyone else, my opinions are only opinions, but I hope they help.

NaziiNinja 2009-06-17 15:45:55

yo i heard u have fordyce man

but its cool dude i kno u dont get any girls now but hey if u become my friend ull hav a lot of gurls man so yo man

Homie-Z 2009-06-18 02:05:07

I didn't even read your story. You're just a friendless faggot who turns to the internet for companionship because they don't have a life that doesn't revolve around electronics.

So, back to my original point.

CaptAcid 2009-06-20 04:13:22

Hey, just wanted to let you know how I review, so you can easily pick and choose from my comments. My positive comments I use a + for and my suggestions/things that need work are marked with a -. I might have one or two +/- which means I can see the benefit of that feature, but it didnt come across or needs a little more work to be effective. Keep in mind, my - marks will be longer because I will be explaining why I think it needs work. Ok, on we go.

+/-The plot was a little slow at first introducing everyone and lacking in adjetives to describe the characters but as a whole I liked the idea alot. It seems somewhat sudden how he gets seperated and is randomely chosen to be this greater power's chosen servant.

-I had no idea who the main character was. As such, I never really related to him. I gathered from the comments made by blackdatch, you make some references to a game. That's fine, except for those of us who have never played it. You should take some time to give your main character a little more depth than the voice of the narrator.

+I liked your description involving the zombies and the later sections of your story, much better than the start. Thats the level the start should have.

- Grammer and punctuation. I found numerous errors in spelling and lacking commas and such.

+I liked the comments made by some of your characters, could have used more dialogue because it seemed to be one of your strong points.

-Sentence structure/ word choice.Just go over your story a little slower and read some of your sentences out loud, it really helps you realize how the sentence sounds to your readers. Some of the descriptions didnt make sense.

ex-"The stone appeared to be blocks of large stones piled up on each other."

Its not that I didnt understand what you were going for, its just awkward.
One way to rephrase a sentence without using redundant words (stone) such as this would be to suggest:

"The wall appeared to be blocks of large stones piled up on each other."

+I liked your ending, although it doesnt explain why it chose him.

In my closing comments, I wanted to summerize my overall impression. I like the story and background, but the elaboration was somewhat lacking. I didnt relate to the character so I couldnt appreciate his circumstance as much. Spelling and grammer need to be addressed before submission or judges will hit you hard on that. I didnt understand the need for 113 hearts at the end, it seemed random to me. Why 113? Which God? (Although I suppose we can infer which one based on the gift he recieves at the end) Too many unanswered questions, no real feeling of resolution. Actually, it feels like the setup for a bigger story.

I hope you found my review helpful, good luck in the contest!

Lost-Wisdom 2009-07-04 09:22:19

Just so good. As usual, I just have to applaud you for the great stories you make. The slight ending change you made was good, so no complaints on that.

Either way, excellent read.

DevourerJay 2009-07-08 16:05:41

You have a lot of time in your hands to write all this out... sober too... you get a cookie